Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
