my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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