Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
