Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
