in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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