My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
