If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
