that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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