Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
