I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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