Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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