Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
