"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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