my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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