there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
