I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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