I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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