So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
