If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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