Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash