I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.