just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
