I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
