I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
