He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
