my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
