Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
