in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
