You're my little dorito
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Damn victory sex feels great
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