Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
