I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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