The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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