just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
