I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
