Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
