oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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