She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
