dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
