I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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