Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
