Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
