I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
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Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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