soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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