How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
