Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
