Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
