i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
