If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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