I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
40s are totally the cure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize