so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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