I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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