just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
