i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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