Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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