I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
